sometimes when i'm on a train or i'm somewhere that i can concentrate, i think about all the other people i'm with. i think about how their lives are so different from mine, about what their problems might be. who they are. where they're from. why they're in the same place that i am and where they're going. will we meet again? or will we forever be strangers? do they look at me and wonder the same thing? all i know is that for the rest of this train ride, i'm sharing in on a moment of their lives.

-k

sometimes i look at someone and wonder if they make decisions based on their heart, head, or stubbornness.  if you make it with your heart, you're showing compassion, doing what feels right, or going on ideas of how the world should be. if it's your head, you weight the pros and cons, think about the facts and go on ideas of how the world is. if it's stubbornness, it's just so you can prove a point that you know could do more damage than good without caring what's really going to happen to you or the ones you love.

i think with my heart and even though it's the wrong decision most times, it feels riht and i don't regret what i do or say. i wonder if people that always think with their heads regret not going after what they love, but instead do what should be done. or if people who make decisions just to prove a point wonder if it was really worth fighting for.

i don't think that the way i handle things is what's best and that everyone should be like me, but i wonder if everyone, in the end, is truly happy. i know that the end result of things, like breakups with a boy who makes the same mistake, or quitting a job i love because it goes no where, aren't always what put a smile on my face right away, but if i'm trying to be ultimately happy in life, i know those things have to happen.

like pulling off a bandaid. in your head you know it's the right thing to do because wounds need oxygen to heal. in your heart you want to keep it on, protect it. and if you're stubborn... you keep it on because everyone else says to take it off.

one painful rip, and it's gone. sure there might that tingling sensation at first, but in the end, it heals.

and you'll forever be left with a scar to remind you where you've been.

-k

wow. so ok. it's totally been forever since i've posted.
when i make no sense i feel the best! just to let go of thinking and just write and just do and not worry and stop feeling and take the shit that's so piled up in your mind and every word that you learned in high school english, all those words you wrote on index cards. words like protuberance and cognizance that make their way somehow into your conscious thought stream once in a while and then retreat until you hear them or read them somewhere in some stupid magazine you pull out of a pile in a waiting room at the doctors. even though your hatred for magazines runs deep you still praise the pages for acknowledging the words you haven't heard since junior year english class. like you and the magazine have something in common, a word. but actually. protuberance. i knew that word before i learned it in english class i think. and even before i learned it i would probably be able to take an educated, mostly correct stab at it's definition. and now i hear it here and there and all around and i think...shit. i wish it wasn't so used. maybe seeing it in some silly magazine would have made me realize my love for the word and english class and halved note cards and applying things to real life and learning and  words and words and words and this and that and going from first person to second person back to first person as this crap displays. shit i don't know what i'm saying. maybe i should go into third person now, because i'm pretty sure if i was third person i wouldn't want to be left out either. and suddenly, as if just realizing she was sitting in her room writing a shit run-on paragraph, with an unimaginable amount of fragments that spellcheck would be very annoyed to have to analyze, going against everything that is correct grammar, literature, and punctuation, she stopped briefly as the whirs and whizzes started sounding out of nowhere from her laptop speakers and...
 "OH WHAT!" she exclaimed, very, very confused and then remembered her itunes had just played ten minutes of absolute nothingness, the stupid lingering that some artists like to put at the end of their songs.

this means nothing. it all amounts to nothing and my last word will be. protuberance.

-k

today is the 20th anniversary of world aids day.

so here's my story of how aids has affected my life.

i don't have it, but someone i cared deeply for died from aids.

my mom's brother, my uncle, my grandmother's son. franklin d. aughtry.

growing up, he was the cool uncle. he did magic tricks, he traveled anywhere he wanted to go, and always brought back souvenirs. one summer, we went down to alabama to visit him and he took us to the coolest spots. two summers later, we all went on a cruise to mexico together. while him and my mom went to the clubs every night, during the day we would go swimming and play games. he was always fun to be around.

a few years later, he started getting really sick and moved in with me and my mom. he couldn't keep a job because he was ill all the time, and to deal with his pain, he drank all the time. he was still the cool uncle, when he was sober. then he started getting very pale and had skin abrasions all over. it kept going downhill.

a year and a half later, he died.

at the funeral, no one could keep it together. it was hard for everyone in our family. my grams was a mess. the kids didn't know what to do. we were all lost. so i took all the kids, piled them into my car, and brought them to dunkin donuts. i couldn't let them watch him get buried.

aids had taken his life, and left our family heartbroken.

so for everyone who still reads this, if you see a donation box for aids research, please contribute. do it for my uncle. do it for my family. do it for the people who died. for the ones who are living and suffering with the disease. do it for me.

love.

-k

"this is something that i have, but it's really bad"

"body odor"

"MEMORY, YOU STUPID BITCH."

----------

i feel like i've lost everything when you're gone
left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
i thought you should know,
you're not making this easy

i never thought i'd be the one to say
please don't, please don't leave me

----------

dear santa:

please bring me a boy who would do anything for me. a boy who will think of me and what i want before anyone else. a boy who'll love me, despite my screw ups.

fuck it. santa, just bring him back.

----------

ps. sorry my posts suck lately. feelings have been sucking lately.

thanksgiving is tomorrow. crazy huh? i seem to always remember where i am, what i'm doing, and who i'm with on thanksgivings.. but any other holiday i'm like "uhhhh i think i was here?".

i don't really like thanksgiving. it's not that cool. it celebrates the day the indians gave food to the early settlers. and how did we repay them? we slaughtered them in thousands and then shipped them off to the shittiest bits of real estate.

this year we're not doing thanksgiving. mainly because my mom is depressed and is binge drinking, my dad is caught up with his other family, and i'm just not in the mood. a few friends have invited me over when they found out i was going to be alone for thanksgiving... but i don't think i'll go. i'm just not in the mood to stuff my face full of food, half of which i can't eat because i'm a vegetarian, or allergic to berries.

last thanksgiving we had it at my house. it was me and my mom, her boyfriend, and like six of my friends who had no place to go. it was a lot of fun, except me and chris got into a fight, but i guess i should've seen that coming since he later cheated on me with gina. in 2006, i went to visit my family in north carolina, without will (he didn't want anything to do with my family), because the year before we went to his family's house and we had a huge fight. it was mainly because i was nervous about having surgery to get rid of the cancer, and everyone thought i was doing it for attention. in 2004, me and bill had just broken up, and i didn't want to do anything. so i slept all day. in 2003, i spent it with bill's family. and all i could eat was bread because they put meat in EVERYTHING. in 2002, i was kicked out of my house that week and spent thanksgiving with my friend joleen and her parents.

i can't remember too much else before that... but six years of thanksgivings... and it's obviously not my favorite holiday. well, i hope your thanksgiving is better than mine will be (:

peace, love, and comments are always appreciated.

-k

if i liked you, would you like that?
if i kissed you, would you kiss back?
if you know me you should know that i'd never let you go
but if i did would you miss me?
remind me when you kiss me ?
and i'll lie here if you fall back
back into my arms

and i'll be fine,
my hollow heart is on fire
so long sweet never know,
it's been so long since we've said goodbye
and this heart driven kid will know
everything but why

if it's too hard to swallow
would you beg me to follow
you down here down deeper
how could i believe her
voice it tears through me,
her fluttering eyes destroy me
she fills me with sorrow
and i can't wait till tommorow

and i'll be fine, my hollow heart is on fire
so long sweet never know,
its been so long since we've said goodbye
and this heart driven kid will know
everything but why
tonight
tonight

why can't i fall into your arms for one more day?
flustered by the lies,
caught by surprise
you're mine either way.

so long sweet never know,
it's been so long since we've said goodbye
and this heart driven kid will know
everything but why oh why oh

and so long sweet never know
it's not the first time that i've lied
and this heart driven kid will know
everything but why
tonight

yay, video post!

Poll #1298712 i need to know.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 9

have i ever influenced or inspired you in any way?

i feel like i'm the only one that fights.

i feel like i'm the only one who gives a shit.

i feel like i'm wasting my time fighting for my beliefs.

i feel like i'll never be more than just a pretty face.

i feel like my passion is gone.

i feel like i'm the only person that just... feels.

fuck it all. i'm done with feelings. feelings are gross. no one gives a fuck what i have to say. no one cares about the cause anymore. no one fights the man. no one is going to help.

everyone's an asshole. everyone's a bigot. everyone's a piece of shit.

the world is fucked.

and now, i don't fucking care.

but that's ok, because you never did in the first place.

so i just found out that there's a protest in philly tomorrow against the passage of prop 8 in california.

and i have work.

UGH.

if you oppose of the passing of prop 8 and want to go to a protest near your town, check out:

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/

i'll wear a sign around my neck at work tomorrow saying "i wish i was protesting prop 8"

that way i can protest work AND prop 8!

love is love, and it doesn't discriminate against sexuality, color, religion, or political stance!

someone said "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." well. they obviously don't know what heartbreak feels like.

i sometimes sit here and think that living with a broken neck was better than living with a broken heart. i mean, they can fix a neck. heartbreak is an emotional loss, and your stuck with feelings, emotions, thoughts, and sometimes, actual pain. if the sadness doesn't get you, the thoughts of what that person is doing now, will.

my first love, will, shattered my heart, and it's never been the same since. we were together for almost two years. we were living together. we were engaged.

our relationship, now that i look back on it, wasn't the best, but we were happy - most of the time. we were teenagers, and put each other through so much emotional hell. i felt like i was always there for him, and he didn't care about me. i went to every football game, he never came to my soccer games. i was diagnosed with cancer, he wasn't there the day i had gotten the results, or the day of surgery. he told me that if i went to my senior prom, while he was on his senior trip, he'd break up with me. we moved in together on my eighteenth birthday and all he did was say happy birthday. we were fine until we went to his cousin's birthday party and he kept walking away and ignoring me. he told me to leave him alone, and when we went back to his parents' house, we got into a huge fight. he told me i expected too much, i was needy, and i put too many restraints on him.

the next couple of days, we didn't talk. then i came home early from a double shift at johnny rocket's one day, to find him and his exgirlfriend in our bed. on our sheets.

i dropped the dinner i had brought home for us, walked to the train station, and called my mom.

i spent two weeks in my mom's bed. i didn't go to class. i didn't go to work. i just sat around and cried. we met one day to give each other's things back and it just killed me. he would call me, sometimes i would call him. we would go out for a few hours together... but it was never going to work out again.

now i'm not trusting in relationships, and i have a hard time being in them for a long time because i start feeling neglected. he hurt me, and i'm not the same.

i love love; i love being in love. and i want to keep trying, but i want to stop being hurt. i don't want to be the giver all the time. i just want you to accept me for who i am. i want a prince charming who defends my honor. all i want is unconditional love and everything that comes with it.

because you get the same from me.

directions to heartbreak

from where you are at
probably the closest way would be
entering upon corruption highway
coasting among the worn down pavement until you hit exit deception
stop at the yield sign
which, of course, leaves you and me both hanging
glance over your left shoulder
and turn right on denial road
be careful over the bumps
they may cause minor disorientation
head straight towards breakdown ave.
make sure to take in all the scenery
take another right and watch for loneliness lane
at which point you should make a right turn
being careful not to spill your coffee that you always use to drink
in a short amount of time
you will be acquainted with the welcoming suburb of rolling tears
where you will find me at 34 emptiness street
waiting for you outside
wearing my upside down smile
faced bunny slippers
scratchy crimson robe
puffy bloodshot eyes
and unkempt hair
make sure you stop by and meet the neighbors
they have taken the heartbreak route as well

peace, love, and comments are always appreciated.

-k

people need to grow up. and i'm not talking about immature people needing to, i'm talking about the entire human race. there's not much different now then there was 10 years ago. 100 years ago. 1000 years ago.

sure, we dress differently, we take showers, and we've invented things like the clock radio and starbucks... but if you take all of that away, how are we much different now, then we were back then?

we still have wars that are brought on because two people/parties want control over the same thing, because people are greedy, because people are selfish. we still have slavery. and don't say "not in america" we're all slaves to the corporate world, they just shut us up with minimum wage. we're slaves to our religions, they tell us what to believe, and if we don't agree, something bad will happen. we still have classes that are broken up by our economic value, where the people on top are eating caviar and lobster, while the people on the bottom are eating out of garbage cans. we still have racism, and people who have a different skin color are looked at as "unequal".

so really, human race, have we changed?

why do we still listen to what other people say? why don't we get our heads out of our asses and just agree to a compromise? why do we think less of people who are different from us? espeically in america, where we are the home of the brave and the land of the free gift with purchase.

we, as a human race, need to grow up and see that there's more to people than just how they look. there's more to them than what their sexual orientation or their religious affiliation is. we need to stop judging. stop hating. and start loving. we need to open our minds, and open our hearts.

love knows no boundaries. it knows no sex, color, religion. love is love. and if love for someone who is different is wrong, i don't want to be right.

peace, love, and comments are always appreciated.

-k

sometimes when i'm getting ready to go out, or to go to work, i think of how different life would be if the roles of the sexes were reversed. like, it would only take me five minutes to get ready for work because all i have to do is put on clothes, brush my teeth, and put on deodorant (if i remembered)... and boys it would take a half hour. they'd have to change, brush their hair (and style it even), put on make up, shave their legs... now that i really think about it... boys have it so easy.

if they forget to shave before they go on a date, they can pull off the scruffy look. if they smell a little funky, they can say it's their natural "man smell".

they don't have to worry about making sure their shoes match their purse. they don't even have to carry a purse... it's so not fair.

now, don't get me wrong, i know that guys who claim to be metrosexual actually give a damn about their appearance. they groom themselves. they get manicures (which is something i don't even do...), they tweeze their eyebrows, they make sure they match... and that's awesome. i don't think i'd ever be able to date a guy who grooms himself more than i do, but to each their own.

i guess what i'm saying is that girls go through a lot of trouble to look the way they do, and it kinda stinks that because girls are already held to such high standards to be pretty, our efforts go unnoticed. i know i'm not a knockout, and i'm not going to be gracing the pages of magazines anytime soon, but i work with what i have.

girls are being held to look unrealistically beautiful, and it's hard to compete with what you see on tv or in magazines, which, in my opinion, is what boys want, because it's what they lust after. surely, when they watch or look at porn, they get turned off by girls that seem a little dowdy, and venture to the sites where there are blonde, skinny, tanned girls with huge tits and big lips.

and that makes it that much harder to accept how i look, because honestly, i'm not tall, blonde, skinny, or tan. and my lips and tits are anything but big. who i am, is not what's considered "sexy" or "beautiful".

boys have it so easy...

peace, love, and comments are always appreciated.

-k

by the way, this is me if i had gone to school in 1966. pretty awesome huh? i did it at yearbookyourself.com... you should check it out. some of them are pretty funny (:

anyway.

i do a lot of stuff during my days. they're usually jam packed with plans, things to do, errands to run, etc. well... i tend to do a lot of things in my sleep, too. i hold conversations, i walk, i drink things, and apparently, text.

this is an actual conversation that i had with nate last night. i was completely knocked out and he was awake, laughing at my unconscious state:

kristin: "yo"
nate: "hey did i wake you"
kristin: "i'm in couch"
nate: "ohh ok my texts must have been delayed how are you doing?"
kristin: "no my phone is buzzing like all the time"
nate: "lol your phone buzzing all the time? are you sleep texting?"
kristin: "no wayyy"
nate: "lol ok prove it :P"
kristin: "awake!"
nate: "lol i'm not convinced you just put an exclamation point at the end of awake :)"
kristin: "noooo"
nate: "no what?"
kristin: "no i'm not just putting an clemation at the end"
nate: "clemation? lol what's that?"
kristin: "!!!!"
nate: "lol that's an exclamation silly not a clemation"
kristin: "it's ok. fatty still loves me"
nate: "i love you <3"
kristin: "and tyra loves vampires"
nate: "jshuu fjso eidh d wkehs?"
kristin: "what? no"
nate: "what?"
kristin: "yes"
nate: "why?"
kristin: "fatty the jabba willed it and so it shall be done!"
nate: what shall be done?"
kristin: "nomming"
nate: "lol whyyyyyy not the nom what shall she nom on?"

hahahahahahhaha (:

peace, love and comments are always appreciated.

-k

video post, yay!

when i was in georgia, me and nate were walking down the street talking about plastic surgery. i told him i don't myself ever getting botox or any type of cosmetic surgery. mainly because i want laugh lines. i want the smile creases.

sometimes when i look at myself in the mirror, i can already see the laugh lines. and i love it. i don't see myself as old, but despite everything that i've been through, i'm still able to smile and laugh through it all. and i love that.

sometimes, i look back at my life and think about all the adversities i had to overcome. in twenty years i was able to survive thirteen years of physical and mental abuse from my father, three almost fatal car crashes (one in which, my friend jeremy died), cancer, and a broken neck.

yet, i still have laugh lines (:

i credit it to my friends, to my accomplishments, to the opportunities i've had, and to the things i have been introduced to.

i only hope that the rest of my life makes my laugh lines more distinct (:

peace, love, and comments are always appreciated.

-k

you know how oprah has "oprah's favorite things" as her show's topic sometimes? and then she gives everyone in the audience a school and a school district? (haha dane cook :p) well, i wasn't watching oprah, and i haven't seen an episode like that in probably two years, but for some reason i was thinking about it today. and i realized, well, if oprah can have her favorite things and share them with everyone, i can do that too.

only i'm too poor to give you guys all my favorite things, so... sucks to be you?

i guess i'll set it up in a graph-like format. because i like graphs. i'm a big math nerd, by the way. i think numbers are the best thing ever. besides words. but i think it's even better when numbers are spelled out, rather than written... anyway.

color	green	body part	back
flower	lily	time of day	early morning
dog	english bulldog	time of year	spring/summer
smell	fireplaces	board game	scattergories
snack	chex mix	dream job	teacher
holiday	my birthday/christmas	coffee	caramel latte
pattern	polka dots	author	sophie kinsella
band	the beatles	item	my teddy bear
artist	frida kahlo	animal	panda
movie	across the universe	game console	ds/wii

peace, love, and comments are always apprecited (:

-k

video post, yay!